Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
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[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I was up all night reading about insomnia
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose