Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
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The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
My background check bounced.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?