One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
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What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
This raises questions
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question