When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
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*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.