His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
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6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime