*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
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SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I’m Sold!
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked