My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
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[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
that wasn’t the question
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
mom had nothing to worry about
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.