Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
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Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.