If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
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Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.