Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
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The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
The best plant holders?
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
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good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.