Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
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it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.