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[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice