me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
You Might Also Like
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.