The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
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[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE