*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
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taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
bout dat hot dog summer
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Ummm
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.