I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
These 3D printers are insane!
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.