ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
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you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
🤣😂🤣
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Scream sneezers need love too.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.