I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
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[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Sorry not sorry.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked