saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
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My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
I’m not proud
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
thank god
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did