That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
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I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
My typo game is string.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.