“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
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HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
so weird how every mom was born today
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]