I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
You Might Also Like
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
selfie game
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”