Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
You Might Also Like
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
🙂🐾
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
He’s cranky this morning
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”