Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
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I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
This is the one
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan