ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
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I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Spa day..😅
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Realize this:
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.