7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
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When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.