My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
You Might Also Like
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Terribly Tuesday.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk