[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
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*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
No. YOU-buprofen.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed