6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
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Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Godspeed, John Glenn
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist