Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
You Might Also Like
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Mission: Impossible
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Mhm.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun