Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
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Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Just had my nails done!
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive