You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
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“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
From Facebook just now…
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
back to work