imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
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[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Best spot.. 😅
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag