I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
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wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Ok but actually
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows