I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
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omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
#math
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Holy moly
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning