Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
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Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive