If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
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Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don鈥檛 push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don鈥檛 push me.
Don鈥檛 leave me hanging, Larry
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We鈥檙e late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don鈥檛 buckle me in
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let鈥檚 back up for a second
ME: what鈥檚 wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 馃檪
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we鈥檒l make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he鈥檚 a smooth criminal
me: my parents aren鈥檛 home
911: we can鈥檛 help you with your capri sun straw
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don鈥檛 let me on your apocalypse survival team
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*