employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
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♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
The legends speak of a third Duran…
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Erm…
Raisins are grape jerky.