being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
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My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.