uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
You Might Also Like
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?