This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
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There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.