I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
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cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe