I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
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I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?