[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
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If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.