They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
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My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.