Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
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“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen