science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
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I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Monday
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom