Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
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People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Finally!
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Just a reminder, folks:
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.