When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
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Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.