I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
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If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.